Caledonia, you're calling me

Patriotism is a concept I've always found difficult to get my head around. The odds of you being born in one country over another are so far beyond the cliche of "astronomical" that they make winning the lottery look like a certainty. Couplings going back over generations had to take place on both your mother and father's sides before they could get together and fire the starting gun on the sperm race that resulted in you. If you spend too much time thinking about it (as I just have to write these opening sentences) it will really mess with your head.

In short then, birth is the end result of incalculable odds so being patriotic about where this happened to me seems to be odd. Today's theme is one I did previously when just posting videos on Facebook but I wanted to do it again as I feel my country needs me. From time to time, usually just before Christmas, compilations proclaiming to be the definitive representation of Scottish music appear. Not the traditional stuff, but rock and pop. Almost without exception they are shite. Toe-curlingly bad. Bad enough to make you rescind all claims to being Scottish and become a nationless wanderer. The root of this world-beating craptitude is glaringly apparent: in the eyes of all those who put these albums together, Runrig, Simple Minds and the Bay City Rollers represent the pinnacle of modern Scottish music. Blustery Gael-rock, chest-beating U2 wannabes and a proto-boy band dressed like victims of an explosion in a Scottish gift shop - is that really the best we can do?

The Proclaimers: Scotland's Story



After what I said above you're probably expecting me to start with a band who maybe aren't that well known, a Scottish artist who hasn't quite scaled the heights of international fame and recognition. Balls to that, I've gone for a band who are undoubtedly one of Scotland's biggest exports. The Proclaimers are best known for Letter From America and 500 Miles. To many people they probably appear to be something of a novelty act - twins with big specs and accents so thick they make Jessica Simpson sound like a Nobel Laureate. I have to admit that for a long time I felt the same. However, someone lent me Sunshine on Leith and the strength of the songwriting amazed me. The brothers Reid have the rare gift of being able to communicate ideas with clarity and honesty in the space of three or four minutes, whether it be about love, death or politics. Scotland's Story seems the perfect first choice this post as it's a song that takes pride in being Scottish while at the same time reminding the listener of the mongrel nature of us and the country we live in.

Boards of Canada: Roygbiv



I'm generally not a fan of homemade fan videos on YouTube as more often than not they have subtlety of a brick around the head and look as if they've been edited by drunk toddler. This video is different though. Firstly, with Boards of Canada you have to rely on fan videos as there is no live footage of them anywhere on YouTube. Secondly, and more importantly, this video is genuinely stunning. The montage of 80s ad clips perfectly captures BoC's retro futurism and for people of a certain age (i.e me) will bring back many lost memories of childhood afternoons spent in front of the telly.

Simple Minds: I Travel



Yes, I am a contrary bastard. I hold Simple Minds up as an example of the shiteness of Scottish music as it's sometimes portrayed in one paragraph, then barely a few paragraphs later I choose them as one of the five a day. I am a fickle soul but the simple fact is that Simple Minds weren't always stadium rock wank bags who wanted to out-bluster U2. The early part of the career saw them experiment with different styles and I Travel is still one of my favourite early 80s songs.

Arab Strap: I Saw You



I suppose this is one of the more positive Arab Strap songs, even if ultimately he seems to be crippled with shyness whenever he sees this woman and resigns himself to the fact "she's probably got a boyfriend anyway." In the Strap universe this represents a relatively good day.

The Jesus and Mary Chain: Upside Down



A band fronted by warring brothers, managed by Alan McGee and wreaking havoc as they tour the UK. It all sounds familiar, doesn't it? The Gallaghers may have garnered more column inches for their sibling rivalry in the 90s, but ten years before it the Jesus and Mary Chain crawled out of the new town hell of East Kilbride and took their amphetamine fuelled madness on the road. Unlike Oasis, the JAMC have clearly funneled their mutual dislike into the music and the end result does sound like it's been recorded on the edge of a brawl.